We've been travelling at high speed and hitting pockets of dead halted time as i write this, having just gone through the electrical peak and here in the southern hemisphere we are approaching the winter solstice with high speed, it feels as if everything is being tested for integrity. How strong is this image you have wanted to embody?Β
Is it strong enough to stand even when there is no reward like maybe you convinced a part of yourself there would be. Maybe you dragged a part of yourself along without addressing the problems that part of you had about being selfless. Maybe that part of you doesnt believe in self-lessness even though a good portion of you does.Β
Maybe you do get angry when you dont get recognition. Maybe you get more angry than you thought you would when you're not the hero in everyone else's story too.Β
What would this very world be like without you here, would it be different? The answer is a resounding yes. It really would, the world would definitely be a different place without you here, as the observer you have already changed everything you have observed, not just in linear time but backwards and forwards, just think about the implications of that for a second. Is this truth enough to calm you, is the recognition of being a multidimensional being of vast powers and light enough to sustain you when others can only dream to see tiny little snippets of you.Β
I sit here in my pyjamas asking myself why Iβm feeling such intense emotional content surfacing. How do you cope with such intense inner conflicts whilst there are multiple forces around you each with their own agenda and momentum jousting you in their preferred polarity.
Some days its just so difficult to keep going despite all the setbacks that at times can feel like they are mounting even if that is not completely truly true. The law ofΒ multiplication will generally mount everything, the good and the bad hence why it is becoming increasingly important as you traverse through he cycles of life that you clarify as much as possible the quality of energies you choose to co-create with.Β
At times it may feel like none of it is making sense, like why do i got to sit here and more or less suffer when i can just give in to the common denominators, some days ya'll it feels like i cant, i just cant do this, and i notice one of the triggers is it starts to feel non-sensical to me, like what does doing my meditation have to do with me having my basic monetarily needs met, like why do i always got to be the patient, understanding and harmless one when others are using me what feels like a punching bag at times. These side quests as it were at times can start to feel super unfair and lacking in meaning, in substance and validity.
But if one can suspend linear belief just enough to choose to engage with what feels in the moment to be irrelevant and totally not the solution that one is requesting, then usually through this act of suspended belief one is able to engage the problem from an angle that would otherwise never have occurred to them. But still my brain trying to surrender to the side quests, that by now I know are going to help me so much but that I still resist because it feels so non-sensical and unrelated to the goal I believe I have can be exhausting all on itβs own. So Iβm trying to surrender with less tantrums and put up much less of a fight every time Iβm back in this spot which can be countless of times within one day even.Β
Usually though I'm just staying in my own lane, resting, giving myself time and space to heal. I have a right to command that for myself, i have a right to choose sanity, wholeness and healing for myself. I am in service to the greater whole when i do that. When it feels like theres so much fomo out there about accomplishing this, experiencing this, i'm here as always just practicing the joy of missing out, the joy of simple peace, time and the art of mastering patience if nothing else.Β
One thing I struggle with though is letting go of my past, my past selves, the clothes, the art, the creations and stuff this past self acquired as well as the comforting attitudes and archetypes. I am seeking to wipe the slate clean, and start fresh with a new linen canvas, a better canvas, better paint, better everything. Newness is its own adventure, and i love the freedom of starting over even if its so comforting to hold unto old stuff. But nothing can compare to the liberating feeling of just being born, the divine choice in the moment to let go of expectation, the past, the future and be present, new, one, forever.
Trusting that just like i was able to see myself in the previous things i acquired and made. That i will be able to do so again but with even more clarity and divine choice than i was able to before, the adventure doesnt have to end. I can be reborn and i will still be me, i will not lose myself in the process of letting go of the past, in fact i will regain the parts of me wrapped up in it. The memories will be there, i will still be me and i will have so much more fun living again insetad of spending energy trying to preserve the past in the present. Instead i am free to fully be me as i am right now, and not only the old me is not lost but a new me is gained.Β
Holding the line, lOve Sania, until next month.